


Incorrect Twin Peaks

by DovahCourts



Series: Incorrect Quotes [4]
Category: Twin Peaks
Genre: Don't copy to another site, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-25 07:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21352570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DovahCourts/pseuds/DovahCourts
Summary: Guess who got into Twin Peaks!! I mostly post the quotes on my Tumblr first.
Relationships: Denise Bryson/Diane Evans
Series: Incorrect Quotes [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1401565
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Shut up Loser

Dale: Did you put on sunscreen?

Harry: I don’t need it.

_____10 mins later _____

Dale: *rubbing Aloe on Harry’s sunburns* You were saying?

Harry: *crying due to burns* shut up _loser_


	2. but I know a bitch when I see one!

Harry: *distraught* Look what you’ve done to my peonies!

Leo: They’re marigolds!

Dale: God! I think he’s right! They are marigolds!

Harry: I may not know my flowers, but I know a bitch when I see one!


	3. It’s going to be Christmas soon

Harry: *wrapped in tinsels and garlands* It’s going to be Christmas soon, Dale.

Dale: So what, Harry.


	4. Fellow Associate

**Harry**: Darling? My dear? Love of my life?

**Dale**: *currently mad* Fellow associate


	5. I’ll call the exterminator.

**Dale:** Hey, Leo Johnson is here.

**Harry:** OK, I’ll call the exterminator.


	6. Penguin?

**Dale:**

**Dale:** There is a penguin.. in the Black Lodge. I don't know how to feel about this.


	7. why is it

**Gordon Cole @ Harry, Dale and Albert: ** WHY IS IT WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS IT’S ALWAYS YOU THREE? 


	8. Oh I’m sorry not Hell… Mexico.

**Kid:** [about the bug zapper] Cooper! Where is it taking them?

**Albert:** …Hell.

**Dale:** Rosenfield. Don’t say that.

**Albert:** Oh I’m sorry not Hell… Mexico.


	9. I live here now

**Dale Cooper, walking in the woods:** Diane, I appear to be lost. I can't find Harry or Albert

**Dale Cooper 10 minutes later after being unable to find Harry or Albert: **Diane I live here now.


	10. BOOONNEEE

**Harry:** I do not “Bone”

**Also Harry:** *standing in the middle of the office door* BOOONNEEE


	11. Who the fuck ripped this fat vape

**Dale Cooper:** Who the fuck ripped this fat vape in the woods, I'm trying to find the Black Lodge


	12. Let me tell you about

**Dale Cooper:** *bringing out projector* Let me tell you about n a t u r e


	13. Do we want

[ordering cake over the phone]

“And what would you like the cake to say?”

**Dale:** [covers phone to ask Harry]

**Dale:** Do we want a talking cake?


	14. drugs

**Harry:** Coop, whats in your coat?

**Dale:** Uhh….

[Dale’s trenchcoat meows]

**Dale:**

**Harry:**

**Dale:** … drugs.


	15. Hmm? Check and mate.

**Andy:** How long have you been sleeping with Agent Dale Cooper?

**Albert:** That’s– That’s. I don’t even get- Why would- I- I’ve never had sex with anyone, anywhere. It’s none of your- You have- the nerve, the audacity- Dale is my partner, technically. And he is nature obsessed, coffee-loving, face-wise. And how- how- do I know, frankly, that you’re not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you’re trying to throw me off? Hmm? Check and mate.


	16. unpleasant asparagus

**Dale:** Diane… it struck me today that I too, do not like asparagus. The taste is fine, quite nice actually, but the texture is unpleasant… 


	17. Sometimes..

**Young Dale Cooper, into his tape recorder:**Sometimes the bad guys are smart too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of my Stranger Peaks AU


	18. Fuck you

**Dale:** Hey! Did you assholes eat all of the pie?

**Dale:** Fuck you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry coop wouldn't say fuck he wouldn't


	19. What if i died

**Dale:** Pretty sure I just got glass in my foot.

**Albert:** Take it out.

**Harry:** No. Leave it in.

**Harry:** Livens up the place.

**Albert:** Agent Cooper’s foot is so boring. Cooper, if someone asked me my top three most boring additions to this world. I’d say your foot that you’d have to shank with glass so people find it more interesting.

**Albert:** Are you OK?

**Harry:** Coop, please respond.

**Dale:** What if I died of glassy foot and that was the very last thing you ever said to me.

**Dale:** What if I got so mad that I forgot there was glass in and stamped my foot, causing the glass to shoot up into my brain and I died.

**Gordon:** [loud laughter until an abrupt stop] I FELT SOMETHING CLICK IN THE BACK OF MY NECK, SHOULD I BE WORRIED?


	20. Ah yes

**Harry:** Ah yes.. me, my agent, and his Voice Activated Recorder he uses to talk to Diane before sleeping.

**Dale:** [whispering] Diane, 10:23 pm, Harry looks tired.


	21. No i didn't

**Dale:** If I did go into the Black Lodge. I didn’t go in there because I did– no I didn’t.


	22. Lesbiab

**Denise:** I’m Lesbiab

**Denise:** Lesbiam

**Denise:** Less Bien

**Dale:** It’s OK, Denise. Take your time.

**Denise:**

**Denise:** Girls


	23. My shoes?

**Harry:** Do you have my shoes?

**Dale:** Why would I have your shoes?

**Harry:** Because I left them at your house last night.

**Dale:** Why would you leave without your shoes?

**Harry:** I don’t know! I go a lot of places without shoes. I’m walking barefoot right now! Oh but wait, that’s cause I left my shoes at your house last night.


	24. a tracker I amn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Credits to [Armin_05!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armin_05/pseuds/Armin_05)

**Andy, after getting lost in the woods:** A cop I am but a tracker I amn't


	25. The book house boys as boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to [Armin_05!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armin_05/pseuds/Armin_05)

**Harry:** Please repeat that for the plaintiff  
**Hawk:** I said, it has come to my attention that the defendant currently has more "rons" than me, clearly stating that he is a "mor-ron"  
**Hank, on the floor:** OBJECTION. OBJECTION  
**Norma:** Order- order in my court


	26. Pasta

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to [Armin_05!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Armin_05/pseuds/Armin_05)

**The rest of the bookhouse boys:** *having fun and being wild*  
**Harry:** *eating pasta*


	27. Do the thing

**Diane:** Denise, do the thing.

**Denise:** [smiles]

**Diane, crying on the inside:** Thanks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo you want to listen to my [Denise/Diane](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5JPnL9YKBkf4bdGjFrPky1?si=ihZqH2fJRXaP8TCuPRdp6Q) playlist, oooo


	28. Some attention

**Denise:** Can I please have some attention?

**Diane:** [hugging Denise tightly] HERES YOUR FUCKING ATTENTION


	29. Interesting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He calls Denise Ma, and Diane... also Ma, he's working on it

**Nicky:** Ma, and… Ma! I found out that I’m double jointed! Look what I can do with my arms! [bends arms behind back, elbows touching]

**Denise:** Huh.

**Diane:** Interesting.


	30. Everday

**Harry:** Everyday I wake up and think about Dale Cooper in the Black Lodge

**Harry:** [slams fists on wall]

**Harry:** [sobbing]


End file.
